


Texting Batman

by OkiAshi



Series: Texts From The Batphone [1]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU, Justice League - All Media Types
Genre: Fluff, Gen, Superheroes, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-18
Updated: 2018-10-04
Packaged: 2019-07-13 20:31:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 2,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16025450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OkiAshi/pseuds/OkiAshi
Summary: Okay, so this is basically how various characters interact with Batman in texting form. Batman is bolded btw. This is a lot of fluff just so you know...This is gonna be fun to write. Enjoy!I don't own any of the characters in this work.





	1. Superman

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文 available: [来跟蝙蝠侠短信聊天吧](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16583507) by [Raven_of_Silence_has_already_been_taken](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Raven_of_Silence_has_already_been_taken/pseuds/Raven_of_Silence_has_already_been_taken)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this would happen.

 

Batman! The Daily Planet was attacked, and Lois is captured! Can you help?

* 10 minutes later.

Thanks for the help.

**And you say that I’m not responsible with my family.**

**…..** What’s that supposed to mean?

**You know what that’s supposed to mean, Superman.**

Batman…. That’s not fair. I mean, Lois is usually just kidnapped. Your kids are kidnapped, tortured, driven insane, etc.

**At least they’re not kidnapped every day.**

That was uncalled for.

**You know what else was uncalled for? Criticizing my parental skills.**

I was just pointing out the obvious.

**So was I.**

……

Honestly, Batman. 

**I gtg. I promised Alfred that I would eat dinner with the kids.**

Okay, now you’re just trying to prove something.

**Prove what? Maybe you’re the one who should be trying to prove something.**

Maybe I will.

Wait…. I mean, I don't need to prove anything either. 

Batman?

_ This is Alfred. Please stop making Bruce laugh at the dinner table. He almost choked.  _

 


	2. Tim Drake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I think Tim's being drinking too much coffee again. (Sorry the chapter's so short)

Hey Bruce! 

Okay, so I know you’re probably not going to respond, but I just thought of something. 

When you do backflips, you shouldn't call them backflips. You should call them BATflips!

So it’s basically a backflip but cooler. 

Oooo…. Or you could call your Batman voice BATvoice. 

I mean, you can call a punch a Batpunch, but that doesn't really roll of the tongue. 

Anyway, I just thought of that. 

**Tim, it’s 4 am. It’s too early for this.**

 


	3. Jason Todd

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bruce is sort of amused in this chapter, but don't tell Jason. Also, the parody goes to the tune of A Thousand Miles by Vanessa Carlton. It was stuck in my head at the time soooo....

**Jason, what’s this?**

 

*Picture attached* **  
**  


_ Making my way downtown, fighting crime, and chilling _

_ Dunna dunna dun _

_ Then I see the Bat Signal and start running.  _

_ Dunna dunna din _

_ Because I know _

_ That Batman will want me to fight alongside him.  _

_ And now I wonder….. _

_ If I could hide in an alley.  _

_ Do you think he  _

_ Would pass me by? _

_ Cause you know I’d run a thousand miles,  _

_ If I could avoid him… tonight…. _

 

Huh. I don’t know. Whoever wrote it was a jerk. 

 

**It was in your room.**

 

Then one of your other sons put it there.

 

**It’s in your hand writing.**

 

Ever heard of forging?

 

**So you're saying one of your brothers took the time to forge your handwriting and made a parody of “A Thousand Miles.”**

 

Yep. It was probably Damian, cause you know, he’s jealous of everyone. 

 

**… Okay. Well, if it was one of your brothers, he’s not even a decent songwriter- It doesn't rhyme.**

 

Well… Maybe, he doesn't care if it rhymes.

 

**How would you know?**

 

I know my siblings……

 

**Hm.**

 

Bruce. It wasn't me.

 

**So why are you so defensive?**

 

I don’t like it when people blame me for things I didn't do.

 

**I know.**

 

Then why are you blaming me?

 

**I find it interesting how you assume I’m mad.**

 

…. Aren’t you?

 

**No.**

 

Really?

 

You’re not trying to trick me, right?

 

**If you did it, I’m not mad.**

 

Oh.

 

Fine. I wrote it. But it’s Alfred’s fault too! He said that I should choose less destructive methods when I’m angry.

 

**And you chose to write parodies.**

 

Hey, at least I’m not shooting people. 

  
  
  



	4. Harley Quinn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the conversation that made Batman give a small smile at the end.

Hey Bats!!!!!!!!

 

**Harley. Stop texting me.**

 

Awwwww….. Why?!?   
  


**Because I’m in the middle of a league meeting and I don’t want anyone seeing me text you.**

 

Lol, you're funny. Call me so I can listen to them.

 

**No.**

 

:(

 

You’re no fun.

 

**Did you expect me to be?** **  
**  


Good point. 

 

At least say hi for me. 

 

**No.**

 

But why?!?! I mean, we’re all on the same side now.

 

**That doesn't mean that they consider you a friend.**

 

…. You said they….. Does that mean….. BATSY! YOU CONSIDER ME YOUR FRIEND!!!!   
  


**What?! Harley, no. I can tolerate you. They barely can tolerate you at all.**

 

Then you’re all meanies.

 

**Okay.**

 

….. 

 

**No means no, Harley.**

 

Hmph. 

 

**Why don’t you just text them?**

 

Because they didn’t give me their numbers.

 

**I only gave you this number for emergencies.**

 

**Harley. Don’t take it personally. It would be the same thing with everyone else.**

 

**Fine. Diana and Barry said hi back.**

 

THANK YOU BATMAN!!!!


	5. Dick Grayson

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Damian got a present from Dick. Also, I don't know if Damian actually has a ferret, but I'm guessing he doesn't...

Hey Bruce, can I take Damian out camping this weekend? I already have someone covering Nightwing.

 

**Fine.**

 

Oh, wow. Ok.

 

Wait a sec… what happened?

 

**Nothing.**

 

Something did happen. You usually would be a lot less willing to let Damian go.

 

….. Bruce? Are you there?

 

**He brought home another one. I don't want to deal with him right now.**

 

Another pet? What type?

 

**A ferret. He named her Zia.**

 

**Dick?**

 

**Hello?** **  
**  


**Respond NOW.**

 

Uhhhh….. You know Zia? 

 

**Yes.**

 

Yeah… I might have gotten her for Damian….

**Why?!**

….. I don’t know, he really wanted her….

**Dick, she smells and she’s destroying everything.**

You deal with that type of stuff all the time…. Hehe….

I mean if you want I can take her back…

**Yes. Pick her up.**

**Wait. No, she’s keeping both Titus and Damian away while I work. I’ll figure out how to deal with her.**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey readers!  
> Oh, WOW! I didn't think this work would be this popular but it is... just wow... Thank all of you sooooo much for checking it out, especially the people who have read my other two works. I am so honored that so many people liked this. Thank you also to the people who have posted those nice comments. They mean a lot :)! This just was so unexpected...... I guess I'll be posting more of these in the future lol. This has been really fun to write! I think I'll have finished the entire work by the end of today, or tomorrow. At the latest, by Friday. I kinda don't want to stop writing this work though.... Okay, so feedback is always appreciated, but I would also be interested in seeing which character's POV you enjoyed reading from the most! Thank you SO much for your support! (I'm using way to many exclamation marks lol).   
> See you later!  
> Oki Ashi.


	6. The Flash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why Batman won't go to Flash's house. (A friend of mine gave me the line "Not paranoid- prepared).

Hey Batman, wanna hang out? The rest of the league are here too. 

 

**No.**

 

Right. Yeah, Clark told me you probably wouldn't want to come but you know….

 

**When have I ever said yes to any of your invitations?** **  
  
**

Twice. 

 

**What?**

 

Yeah, twice. The first time it was because you had to spy on my neighbour because you thought that he was importing  illegal tech from Central City, and you decided to have dinner (if you can call it that) at my house. You left before dinner was even done.

 

**That was 15 years ago.**

 

Whatever. And there was that time when you went to my house simply to yell at me because I just happened to go by your house while you and Damian were playing with Titus in the front yard. I think you didn’t want your reputation to get ruined or whatever.

 

**That was five years ago.**

 

See?!? You almost never go to my house…..

 

**I have to socialize enough with people when I’m Bruce Wayne. I don’t need to socialize with people when I’m Batman too. I leave that to you and Clark.**

 

Fair. But still, it wouldn't KILL you. 

 

**Maybe it would. No one knows.**

 

Are you really that paranoid?

 

**Not paranoid- prepared.**

 

I’m really concerned. 

 

**Don’t be.**

 

Batman, do you really believe that someone will poison your food or drink? Or an assassin will burst in and kill you?

 

**No, of course not.**

 

Then why can’t you come????

 

**I have a Skype conference with a CEO of a major industry in five minutes.**

 

WHAT?!   
  


Here I was, thinking that that you didn't trust me or something, and then you say that you have a freaking Skype conference!

 

….. How long is the conference?

 

**Two hours.**

 

Dang.

 

What about after?

 

**Can’t.**

 

Let me guess…. You have to go to a whole new city to meet someone.

 

**No.**

 

What is it then?

 

**After that I’m done socializing for the day. And then I have to patrol.**

 

….Wow.

  
  



	7. Alfred Pennyworth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A tribute to Alfred. Another short chapter.

**Alfred.**

 

Master Bruce, I am quite busy. 

 

**Wait, Alfred-**

 

Right now I’m dusting the shelves in the library, then I have to call Damian’s school to tell them that he will be missing about ten minutes of class tomorrow because you two are traveling for a business trip.

 

After that I have to prepare dinner, walk Titus (who is NOT my responsibility), mow the lawn, and then vacum anywhere there's carpet. As I said, I’m busy.

 

**Ok. I’ll talk to you later.**

 

*10 minutes later*

 

Master Bruce, there’s a cake in the refrigerator. 

 

**Yeah.**

 

Who’s the cake for?

 

**You.**

 

Excuse me, sir?

 

**That’s what I was trying to tell you. Happy Birthday, Alfred.**


	8. The Joker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one time the Joker was bored, he decided to text Batman. The song is Warriors by Imagine Dragons. I don't own the song.

 

As a child, 

 

You would wait, 

 

And watch from far away. 

 

Cause you always knew you’d be the one 

 

To work while they all played. 

 

**Gordon. Stop.**

And you 

 

You lay awake at night and schemed. 

 

Of all the things that you could change, 

 

But it was just a dream. 

 

**Gordon. If you need help, shine the signal.**

 

HERE WE ARE DON’T TURN AWAYYYYYY NOWWWWW!!!! 

WE ARE THE WARRIORS THAT BUILT THIS TOWN!!! 

**Wait there.**

 

HEEEEERRREE WE ARRREEE DON’T TURN AWAYYYYY NOWWWW!!!!

WE ARE THE WARRIORS THAT BUILT THIS TOWWWWWNNNNN!

FROM DUST!!! 

 

**Who are you? Gordon said that someone stole his phone.**

 

The time 

 

Will come,   

 

When you will have to rise 

 

Above the best and prove yourself 

 

YOUR SPIRIT. NEVER. DIES. 

 

**Look at who you’re texting to.**

 

Farewell, 

 

I’ve gone, 

 

to take my throne above, 

 

But don’t weep for me because this will be….. 

**Fine.**

 

HERE WE ARE DON’T TURN AWAAAAAYYYY NOOOWWWWW 

 

WE ARE THE WARRIORS THAT BUILT THIS TOWN!!!! 

 

HERE WE ARE DON’T TURN AWAYYY NOOOWWWW…. 

 

WE ARE THE WARRIORS WHO BUILT THIS TOWN!

From dust. 

 

HERE WE ARE DON’T TURN AWAYYYYY NOWWWWWW…… 

 

**Hello Joker.**

 

Uh…… hi Bats. 

 

**Here I am don’t turn away now.**


	9. Damian Wayne

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Tim had enough. Also, I don't think either Tim or Superman is a suck up, so please don't think this is actually what I believe in.

 

**Are you ok?**

 

I’m fine.

 

**I asked Tim why he gave you that black eye.**

 

**He said to ask you.**

 

I can’t help you, Father.

 

**Really?**

 

….All I said was that I have a better formed punch than him.

 

**He wouldn't have punched you simply because of that.**

 

Are you sure?   
  


**Damian. What did you say?**

 

What I said is no concern of yours father.

 

**You’re not my only son.**

 

**He said you called him a lickspittle…?**

 

**What does that  mean?**

 

Nothing.

 

It’s not even that bad. 

 

**Really? Because he said when he found out what it meant, he punched you.**

 

So why are you yelling at me?

 

It’s not my fault if he can’t take an insult. 

 

**Damian, I’m going to look it up anyway. Tell me.**

 

……    
  


Fine, it just means suckup.

 

**A, He’s not. B, again, he wouldn't have punched you because of that.**

 

Well he did.

 

**Why did you call him a lickspittle, instead of using suck up?**

 

Because I already called him that this morning. 

 

**Why not something else then?**

 

Because I already used all my other insults today. 

 

**So you kept insulting him the whole day today?**

 

Yes. 

 

I mean, he insulted me first. And then he stopped. 

 

*Five minutes later*

I just saw Tim walking around. Why did you unground him?

 

**I think he learned his lesson.**

 

In reality Bruce texted Tim telling him that he could see why Damian drove Tim to punch him. (It wasn't the insult. It was the number of insults.) 

 

*Superman to the rest of the League (not including Batman).*

 

Something weird happened today.

 

I was telling Batman that something that he did while fighting in Metropolis was highly illegal, and he called me lickspittle to the law. I’m kind of scared to look it up. 


	10. Wonder Woman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was when Bruce was still getting to know Diana. Also, I really did look up conversation starters and found this website for all those people like me who are socially awkward (Diana doesn't obviously): https://conversationstartersworld.com/250-conversation-starters/

 

What do you do when you’re bored? 

 

**… Diana, did you just look up conversation starters?**

 

No. 

 

Yes. 

 

I never know what to say to you when we’re texting. 

 

With Clark, I can ask, “How’s Lois?”, and there's the conversation. 

 

With Barry, I talk about places we’ve been to. 

 

But everytime I ask you a question, I feel like you’re going to make me feel guilty about something. Even when I find a question that doesn't seem that bad, it seems really obvious. 

 

**Really.**

 

Yes. 

 

I mean, even with this, I had to be really careful about which question I picked. 

 

**“What do you do when you’re bored?” is a really generic question. If you want to start a conversation, at least pick a good one.**

 

THERE AREN'T ANY!   


I bet I can answer most of these questions in your point of view. For instance, what is something you take with you when you travel? 

 

Answer: My Batsuit and my utility belt. 

 

Which recent news story have you found interesting?   


Answer: None of them because they're all fake stories. 

 

Who’s your oldest friend? 

 

Answer: Superman. 

 

**That’s not true.**

 

**Thomas Elliot was my best friend when I was a kid but then something happened which I’m not going to go into.**

 

**But my oldest friend now is probably Alfred. I know I’m his employer but I do consider him a friend I suppose…**

 

Why are you telling me this? 

 

**Because you were incorrect.**

 

**…… Also because you’re one of the only people that I actually trust.**

 

Wait. 

 

What? 

 

**Don’t get too excited.**

 

Right. 

 

Well, Bruce, you were one of first people I trusted outside of Themyscira. 

 

**Oh.**

 

**Good.**

 

:) 

 

Ooooo found one more… 

 

What is something popular that annoys you? 

 

Answer: OPTIMISM    


**…. That’s not wrong.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi readers!  
> Welp, I'm done with this story! Man, I still can't believe how many people looked at this! THANK YOU SO MUCH to all those people who gave kudoses! I'm pretty negative about my writing, but this made me really happy! I've had a lot going on, so I'm sorry that the last few chapters were so late :(. I am DEFINITELY posting more stories like this, because they are sooo much fun to write. I'll be adding some more characters that text Batman, so you'll see more variety as well... Thank you so much for reading!  
> Oki Ashi

**Author's Note:**

> Hi readers!  
> For my original readers, I know that I still haven't updated the Other Side series, and I do plan on updating that soon, but right now I just felt like I needed a shorter, more light hearted story. So yeah, this looks like it will be a lot of fun. If it goes well, I think I'll make more stories like this. I'll update you on when exactly I want to finish this story around the fifth chapter, so be on the lookout for that..... Okay, so I'll see you around!  
> Enjoy!  
> Oki Ashi


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